....And we're back.

I'm 90% sure I told you all I would forget about and abandon this blog at some point. And if there's one thing I'm good at it's lowering peoples expectations*, so I hope you all weren't disappointed when it finally happened.

*I'm actually terrible at lowering peoples expectations, due to how incredible I am.

I decided that I'm just going start writing about whatever I've been doing, like some dystopian mom blog you can't stop reading because you wish your life was better. Damn, I just used the word dystopian in reference to an American family situation. Edgy, right? Uh oh! What will I say next?

Paints And Brushes

Don't say I never did anything for you, because this post is about to prove that I actually care about you people, specifically the people from Germany who are reading my blog. All one of you. Thank you for being my only foreign viewers (yes, I will continue to talk about them in plural to make myself feel better), because Canadians, seeing as they're simply a more pleasant version of Americans, obviously don't count.

I have dug up a little nugget for you, a little parfait, if you will (I know it doesn't make sense), that is possibly the greatest thing on the Internet.

Let me just say that I have been looking for this particular nugget for quite some time. It took a lot of effort to find it, but I think we'll all agree it's worth it in the end. You see, I first heard it an episode of 30rock, because it's Tina Fey singing a fake Joni Mitchell song that she completely made up. They played it in the background at hipster club in the show, and I've been trying to find the full version of it ever since. Tonight I was successful. Therefore, if you don't like Tina Fey and you've never heard a Joni Mitchell song, you probably should stop here. And you should probably just stop reading my blog while you're at it.

So finally ladies and Germans, I present to you Paints and Brushes;

http://soundcloud.com/ericandrew16/paintsandbrushes

There's also a version where she just says sad things repeatedly like "Let's put the baby up for adoption" but that one is being elusive.

Text Me

I tend to forget about things a lot, like how every person in America forgets about professional soccer the day after the World Cup ends. Sometimes it's simple things, like forgetting to get off the treadmill when I listen to my hypnotics tapes, or forgetting everything good that's ever happened in the world when I'm in a bad mood. But one thing I never forget is to check the spelling of my text messages. Unintentional misspellings in texts is like wearing white after whatever thing you can't wear white after, in that only people who are jerks care about it. But if there's one lesson I learned from being in all those bad moods, it's that a lot of people are jerks, so you have to be careful--

(Before I go on, I just want to comment on the fact that the cars outside my house sound much louder than normal right now, and I don't know if it's because I have to pee or because I have increased hearing because of my smoothie sugar high, but I know it's one of those two things)

--because before you know it your inbox will be filled with messages that just say "ok" and "haha" without any proper punctuation or capitalization, proving you are not worth any effort whatsoever. It's a slippery slope, but that's how it goes when you don't like the pope (you see, it's funny because it rhymes and because it has an underlying message that not being catholic will lead to bad decisions. I know it's not totally solid. You're thinking about it too much. Just go with it, for goodness sake! I don't have to explain myself to you).

The most important thing is that communication, especially technological, is not for the weak. For example, it's very easy to be hurtful in a text because there are no direct consequences. You might never even see the person again, which makes everyone suddenly grow a pair. And the best part is that it's mostly done through innuendo and not really saying what you're saying, so you can always claim you weren't really saying what the person claims you were saying when they send you a text confronting you about what you were saying. If you find yourself doing this, it's probably time you took a little break from technology, like Ryan Seacrest did from being talented.

Now, before I say too many negative things and unintentionally force you all onto the bummer train, I'm going to leave you with this and pretend like I don't know what you're talking about when you text me about it tomorrow.

Smoothie Coma

The past three days I've become addicted to smoothies. I have consumed six smoothies in the last three days alone. Do the math. WAIT, too late, I already did it. That's two smoothies a day. Are you as disgusted with yourself as I am? You shouldn't be. You're not the one consuming obscene amounts of sherbet and fruit juice on a daily basis.

The great thing about smoothies is that you can create so many different combinations. You never get bored. My favorite right now is definitely strawberry-pineapple with passion fruit sorbet and papaya juice. But no matter how many different combinations you create, you always have that same smooth, smoothie texture and iciness. It's incredible. It's like heavy metal bands, no matter how many different words they find with more than five syllables to name their songs after, they'll still be churning out the same exact thing over and over. Except with smoothies it's actually enjoyable.


And, this may be my perpetual sugar high talking, but I'm starting to feel a little bit bad about how many things I've bashed over the course of this blog already. I especially hope no one at all with an attachment to American Idol reads this blog. They might have an emotional breakdown. Which pretty much alienates about 80% of people with an Internet connection.

But hey, alienating people is one of my special skills. Like when I tell people that I didn't like Titanic or that I don't believe dinosaurs ever existed. I bet with those two facts alone someone could convince you I'm a terrible person.

Also, I think drinking soda is disgusting. Especially diet soda.



I should probably just stop here before someone actually gets offended.

You can't just ask people why they're white

Apparently I have nothing worthwhile to say because I haven't been able to think of anything to post for the past couple days, so I think I've reached the point of no interest. Which is the point at which I usually give up on things, like what happened to the writers of Lost after season three.




But because I have nothing better to do while I sit in the waiting room before I get my botox injections (now that I've finished reading The Secret), I figure I might as well keep this going. As my optometrist told me after he laughed for a few minutes when I asked him for a prescription for Lunesta, it's okay to be crazy as long as other people think it's funny. So I guess as long as people keep reading this I can do whatever I want.

So with that, I'll leave you with one of my greatest passions in life. Harry Potter photos with quotes from Mean Girls.